Why the Dysfunctional Family Fears the Healing Family Member

Their fear. Your salvation.

Deciding to change the family narrative is a brave journey. Growing up in a dysfunctional family has significant impacts on a person's mental health and development as well as psychological growth. Conflict, instability, poor or no communication, neglect, and abuse are just several of multiple family dysfunctions that lead to mental illness, including depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), substance abuse, self-harm, etc. The bravery of adult survivors changes the family dynamic because their rogue nature threatens the rules of the family that have been raging for generations. What happens to the dysfunctional family when they no longer have a caretaker, scapegoat, silent one, or peacemaker to hold the family together with their unspoken rules? Fear ensues. Yes, the dysfunctional family has a lot of dysfunctions to protect. As long as the entire family is in order, there is a false sense of security.

The healing family member will face ridicule, judgment, guilt, loneliness, shame, grief, inner turmoil, and identity loss. What does the dysfunctional family lose?

LOSS OF CONTROL

Dysfunctional families thrive on control, guilt, manipulation, and emotional enmeshment. The healing member will stop being emotionally reactive and guilt-tripped into submission and compliance. Self-awareness, confidence, and independence are a nightmare to the unhealed. The dysfunctional family is accustomed to utilizing passive-aggressive tactics to pull the healing member back into their old identity to preserve a sense of control. Saying, 'no' and putting an end to people pleasing removes power from the old dynamic.

TRUTH SHATTERS THE ILLUSION

Denial, silence, delusion, and emotional suppression is the backbone of survival in a dysfunctional family. The illusion is that the family is normal or it's not that bad. Once the healing member releases themselves, the fragile foundation is questioned. The myth is being challenged that keeps everyone else comfortable. This is dangerous to the dysfunctional family because it requires change. Truths begin to surface, threatening fear of exposure of buried abuse, neglect, favoritism, or emotional harm.

YOU BECOME A MIRROR

If you want to make the dysfunctional family uncomfortable with their own unhealed wounds, set boundaries, have emotional clarity, and express self-respect. Your growth feels like judgment or indictment, which reflects their stagnation. Ceasing your role disrupts the system and forces them to look in the mirror. Their realization statement becomes, "I am the problem," and it becomes hard to retreat back into denial. Everything said about you reflects their own feelings towards themselves.

YOU BREAK THE PATTERN

The healing member will stop keeping the peace and start using their voice by choosing courage and honesty. This effects the future of the dysfunctional family legacy because this transformation inspires other family members, especially children, nieces, nephews, or younger siblings. You are now proving that change is possible, even if they're not ready to follow. The dysfunctional family hierarchy can possibly lose control of the fixed roles.

YOUR GROWTH EXPOSES THE TRUTH & UNHEALED WOUNDS

The healing family member has gained clarity about past abuse, neglect, and trauma. Healing shines a light on what the dysfunctional family wants to keep in the dark. You become a threat to those who built their identity on lies, denial, and secrecy. Remember the dysfunctional family does not want to face the truth. It's nearly impossible to remain blind when others start to see clearly.

THEY DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU

The dysfunctional family will resent or resist the healing member's absence. Control is confused with love and abandonment is confused with freedom. Identities of the dysfunctional family have to shift, and roles become impossible to be filled to regain comfort. The system is no longer running, the silence is loud, and the realization is, "things really are that bad." The dysfunction works best if all parties are involved. What will they lose you to? Greatness, elevation, intentional love, gratitude, compassion, communication, self-worth...all the things they denied you.

It's not about you. Their fear is a reflection of themselves and their refusal to confront their own healing. Most of the time, the dysfunctional family doesn't know how to heal or where to begin. You set the tone. Healing is revolutionary. Healing is freedom. Healing is brave. Healing is love. Healing is clarity. Healing is self-trust. Healing is intentional. Healing is truth. Healing empowers you and threatens their system. Healing is a process that not everyone will follow or even understand. Your healing is not betrayal, abandonment, or rebellion. You are now the creator of a new way of living and that's something to be proud of. Keep showing up for yourself.

Are you a survivor of a dysfunctional family? What familial obstacles have you faced during your healing journey? I'm curious to know how you handled the pressure from your family during the beginning stages. Have you started a new lifestyle trend with other members in your family? Feel free to get the conversation started in the comments. We'd love to hear from you.

This blog was inspired by a TikTok account named, BJCommunicates. Thank you.